Restoration
by Luminera
Summary: After a year of avoiding the Temple and his former Master, ObiWan must confront emotions he pushed aside. SLASH
1. Chapter 1

Title: Restoration

Rating: PG-13

Genres: Angst, Romance, Smarm, Hurt/Comfort, AU

Summary: After a year of avoiding the Temple and his former Master, Obi-Wan must confront emotions he pushed aside.

Warnings: Slash, but nothing graphic.

Disclaimer: I hold no claim over these characters. I'm just playing a bit.

Author's Note: So this is the first fic I ever wrote. I found it on my computer after trying to reclaim several lost documents after a virus messed with several of my files. I think I may have posted this a long time ago under a different account, but I'm not certain and I can't seem to find it on the site. So I thought I'd post it again for kicks. It's complete, but I still have a bit of cleaning up to do on it, so I'll try and post a chapter a day for the next several days. Let me know what you think.

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Obi-Wan Kenobi had been standing in the same position for about a quarter of an hour. The light from the view screen was bathing his features with an unnatural glow that sent shadows across his face. His stiff stance combined with the vacant look in his eyes made him look more like a statue than a human being. The only movement he made was the rising and falling of his chest. His breaths were slow and even, taken with a practiced care that all initiates learned during their first lessons in the crèche. It was a technique that was taught at an early age in order to instill calmness and ease. It was one of the attributes that made the Jedi seem so emotionally detached to those outside the order. The Jedi, though, took pride in their ability to remain calm in the most dismal situations. Obi- Wan had taken advantage of this trait many times throughout his training. He had faced war, famine, slaughter, torture, and many other dangerous situations during the numerous missions he had been on during his time at the temple. He had never needed that legendary Jedi calm, though, as much as he did at that moment. He could feel himself slipping toward the edge of panic. He took a single deep breath and closed his eyes. He held it until he could feel the pressure build up in his head and his lungs burned from the lack of oxygen. Then he let it out slowly and opened his eyes. He focused on the screen and read the words one more time. 

Knight Kenobi:

In light of your last mission, the Council is requesting a full briefing on the status of the Khrinarian conflict and their current status with the Republic. While your briefings have recently been made through written reports and vid-conferences, we find that the complex nature of this mission requires your presence at the temple for a further evaluation of the situation by the Council. Since your last few missions have not required you to return to Coruscant, the Council has granted you a leave of duty so that you may have time to complete your briefing and spend time reacquainting yourself at the temple.

May the force be with you,

Master Mace Windu

He knew that it would happen eventually. In the back of his mind he knew that he would have to return one day. He just hoped that it didn't have to come so soon. He had spent nearly a year away from the Temple, going on one mission to the next with only short breaks between each. During those breaks he never returned to the temple. Un-paired Knights were not required to return to the Temple between missions, though most did in order to feel the serenity that only the Temple could offer. The large amount of Force sensitives in one area always made the Temple a place filled with an aura of warmth and companionship. Most lone knights felt the need to return in order to ground themselves after dangerous and stressful missions. Obi-Wan, though, was only filled with a sense of dread when he thought of returning to the Temple.

He had spent his rare time between missions on various planets. He would immerse himself in the culture of all the places he visited. Many times he would find himself in small dusty diners and bars, simply talking and drinking with the locals. He had to admit, though, that some of the indulgences he had allowed himself on these culture ventures were very un-Jedi like. It was his way of trying to be something else or someone else, just for a short while. He would simply pretend to be someone different, someone the Jedi would never allow him to be. He had been people that he thought to be the scum of the earth. He had been people that he admired. He had been everything in between. He was disgusted with himself when he thought back to all the things he had done over the past year. But he never regretted it. The masks he would put on at least allowed him a bit of freedom from the demons that haunted his soul. He would simply shed his life off like a dirt caked piece of clothing. It was how he lived his life when he didn't have a mission to focus on. Recently, though, the freedom of it had begun to wear off. He was now left with only feelings of emptiness, guilt, and extreme exhaustion. He wasn't sure he had anything left in him to form another one of his alternate selves.

While he wasn't sure he could handle another masquerade, the idea of returning to the temple was even more repulsing. He knew he would feel their distance the moment he stepped off the transport. They didn't do it on purpose, he knew that, but it pained him nonetheless. He knew what they were thinking when they saw him. He knew that they looked into his eyes and searched for the darkness that must be lurking there. They were all waiting for him to show a sign that he had been tainted. The worst thing was, though, that even though their minds were distanced from his, he could still hear the words that formed in their minds the moment they saw him. Sith killer. It had been thousands of years since any Jedi had faced a Sith and Obi-Wan had fought and killed one in sabre combat. His closest friends had stayed by him and tried not to show their uneasiness with his new label. While he appreciated their loyalty, he couldn't stand the detachment he felt when he walked among the Temple halls. He no longer felt like a part of a community that was fueled by the warmth of the Force.

After his first few weeks back from Naboo, he did not venture far from his quarters. He knew that his fellow Jedi were uncomfortable around him, so he thought it better to keep to himself. This also presented a problem, though, since he was still rooming with Qui-Gon. After his knighting he had requested a separate room in the east wing where most of the Knight's quarters were located. The rooms were being rewired, and the Resident Director told him that his room would not be ready for a few weeks. So he was forced to stay in the Master-Padawan suite with Qui-Gon and his former Master's newly appointed Padawan. While he still stayed in his old room, he was forced to watch as his master began to train his new Padawan. He treated Anakin as if he were the son he had always wished for. Qui-Gon's eyes would light up any time Anakin spoke. He would laugh with him, and freely give praise to the newly appointed Padawan. Obi-Wan watched this all in silence.

It wasn't the silent distance from other Jedi or his Master's new Padawan that made Obi-Wan dread returning to the Temple though. It was Master Qui-Gon himself that

Obi-Wan could not face. He knew that his former Master saw him as a failure. He saw Obi-Wan as an insult to his teaching. Obi- Wan knew that he would never live up to

Qui-Gon's standards. He simply was not good enough. He was decent enough in classes and in physical training, but he knew that he was lacking with his ability to sense the Living Force. Qui-Gon had told him many times that he needed to open himself up more to the life that surrounded him. He tried, and was just beginning to truly feel the Living Force surround and posses him when they left for Naboo.

After his battle with the Sith, Obi-Wan held his shields around him like a security blanket. He made certain that he was blocked off completely from any living creature. He knew that if his shields cracked even a little that he would feel the contempt and fear they held for him. He knew that his Master could not bear him any more. After his rejection in front of the Council, he held little hope that his Master would ever care for him again. It wasn't the rejection that caused him to shut down though.

After Qui-Gon's injuries were healed, Obi-Wan made a choice. He decided that his life meant very little without Qui-Gon and he was going to speak to his Master about his feelings. He was going to lower his shields and allow his Master to look into his mind. He would allow him to see all that he had been hiding, all the pain and the guilt he held. He thought that maybe this would make his Master look at him like he did when he first became his Padawan. He would smile and laugh so easily at Obi-Wan's jokes. But somewhere in his training, Obi-Wan had become a failure to his Master. He had caused the man to loose the only hope he had for a worthy student. The smile that Obi-Wan hoped to receive did not come. And Obi-Wan's life shattered to pieces.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: See Ch 1 for story info. Thanks so much for the enthusiastic reviews!! Much appreciated. More coming soon.

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One year earlier

Obi-Wan stood outside his Master's bedroom trying to calm his racing heart. He had made a decision. They couldn't go on with this distance between them. He cared too much for his Master to allow them to grow apart. He could forgive the dismissal and the dying words that spoke nothing of love or pride. He could forgive it all because it didn't really matter now. Qui-Gon was alive, still recovering, but alive. He wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for the bond that they shared. He always knew that their bond was more than just the average training bond all Padawans had with their Masters. This was different. It was as if their very lives were joined along this bond. So Obi-Wan used this to his advantage as his Master slowly bleed in his arms. He gathered all the strength he had in him and sent it through the bond to his Master. The healing energy saved his Master but left Obi-Wan weak and unconscious. The palace guards had found them later and brought them to the healers.

When they arrived at Coruscant, Qui-Gon was put into a heavy healing trance. Obi-Wan insisted on staying with him day and night until he woke up. He pushed all the guilt and pain he felt from his Master's actions aside and focused on making sure Qui-Gon recovered. He would talk to him during the day and tell him what was going on in the Temple and how Anakin was doing in the crèche. Anakin would come visit and keep up endless chatter about all the new things he had experienced while at the Temple.

Obi-Wan could not find it in himself to hate the boy. Anakin practically sang with the Force. He knew the boy would be trained now. It was too dangerous to leave that kind of power untrained. He knew Qui-Gon would take Anakin as his Padawan when he was well enough. His request for Obi-Wan to train the boy was made when he thought there was no hope for him to live. Now, though, he would be able to continue the Jinn legacy with a worthy Padawan.

It was a month before Qui-Gon finally awoke. Obi-Wan saw the first flutter of his eyes as his master returned to consciousness. His heart swelled when he saw the blue of his eyes. He could feel the bond sing between them as his Master took sight of his apprentice. But that joy was soon replaced with intense worry and dread. Obi-Wan tried to calm him, thinking that he was confused from being under for so long. But when Qui- Gon finally voiced his worry it was not about his condition or his apprentice. After a month of sedation, and recovery from a near-fatal injury that Obi-Wan had saved him from, the only worry Qui-Gon had was for the golden haired boy that was now contently playing in the crèche.

Obi-Wan tried to mask his pain with a forced smile. He assured his Master that Anakin was fine and that he was with the other initiates in the crèche. Qui-Gon, though, was not content with Obi-Wan's quiet assurances. He insisted that he see the boy for himself. So Obi-Wan, like the dutiful Padawan that he was, went to get Anakin. He brought the boy back to the healing center and watched as his master's face spread into a smile that could light the darkest cave. He watched as Anakin snuggled against Qui-Gon and rattled on about the new things he had learned. As he watched this scene his heart broke a little.

He visited Qui-Gon until he was released from the care of the healers. He would tell him about how the other Master's wished him well and hoped to see him soon. He smiled when Qui-Gon would tell him about Anakin and the child's amazing ability to learn. It seemed he had already mastered some of the early lessons and was moving on to more advanced initiate training.

Obi-Wan told his master that the Council had decreed the battle with the Sith to be his trials, and that he was now a Jedi Knight. All that was left was a simple ceremony where his braid would be removed and the training bond released. His Master simply smiled and told him that he always knew Obi-Wan would do well. When his Master moved back to his rooms, he knew that he couldn't go on with the distance between them. He decided to speak to him before his trials, he hoped to reestablish the bond they had before.

That is what brought him to his master's door, trying to calm his scattered nerves. He knew that he had to do this. It was the only way to bridge the gap that had grown between them. He took a deep breath and opened the door.

Qui-Gon meant to be lying in his bed under strict orders from the healers to get some rest. He seemed to have gotten enough of that in the healer's ward, so he was sitting up going over some reports.

"I was wondering if I might speak to you Master," Obi-Wan said in a quiet yet determined voice.

"Of course, Obi-Wan, I was just going over Anakin's reports from his teachers. It seems that he is doing very well. His ability is quite astounding."

"He seems to be progressing very well, Master."

"Better than anyone expected, I think. He will make a great Jedi some day."

Obi-Wan remained silent at that. He wasn't sure he could trust himself to speak. There was so much he wanted to say, but he didn't want it to seem clouded with jealousy and anger towards Anakin.

"There was something you wanted to speak to me about?" Qui-Gon asked in the calm manner he used when people interrupted him and he wanted nothing more than to get back to his work.

"Yes, Master. I…" he stopped, unsure what he was going to say now that Qui-Gon was in front of him. He had gone through so many versions of this conversation, but they all seemed inadequate for what he wanted to tell his Master. He had finally come to the conclusion to drop his shields and allow Qui-Gon to see his true feelings. But something had to be said first. He needed to put something into words before he dropped this on his unsuspecting master.

"My knighting ceremony is scheduled for the day after tomorrow," he continued, "and I wanted to discuss something with you before I lost the chance."

Qui-Gon simply waited for him to continue with whatever it was his apprentice was getting to.

"Master…I…We seem to have grown apart since Naboo and the battle with the Sith. At first I thought that it was simply the stress of the mission and then your injuries, but you have gotten better and still this distance continues. I know that I will be a Knight soon, and our bond will be severed, we will both move on. You will train your new Padawan and…well I guess I just wanted us to, if nothing more, to have peace between us. I know that I am not what you wanted in a Padawan, and I am sorry for my failure, but…I simply cannot loose you my Master…"

Obi-Wan began to carefully remove the tense shields he had erected around his mind. He pealed pack the layers and allowed his mind to open for his master. He would be completely open when he admitted his feelings to Qui-Gon. He would not hide a single thought from his master. And so he dropped all his shields except for the final shield that concealed his heart's desire, and said what he had been waiting to say since Qui-Gon had chosen him as his Padawan.

"I love you, Qui-Gon", and with that he let the final shield fall. So, with his shields down he was not guarded against the emotions that crowded his senses. All he felt was deep feelings of pity, disgust, and anger. It was too much for him. He fell to his knees and tried to block out all the emotions that he felt surrounding him. There was a soft hand on his shoulder, stroking. A soft voice was whispering reassurances into his ear. But he didn't notice any of it. All he could sense was the emotion pouring out of Qui-Gon.

"Shh, relax my Obi," Qui-Gon soothed, "everything will be fine." He continued to hold Obi-Wan as he considered what had just happened. His Obi- Wan loved him. He felt the love pouring out of the boy when Obi-Wan dropped his shields. The emotion had overwhelmed him. He never knew that his apprentice felt so strongly about him. He never realized how much the child's mind practically glowed with the grace of the Force. This wasn't the somber Obi-Wan he knew. The Obi-Wan he knew was reserved and devoted only to the Jedi order. He never knew that Obi-Wan could hold such love. It was his own fault that he didn't see the wonderful gift the Force had granted him. He had suppressed the boy, pushing his love aside, thinking that all his padawan felt for him was mindless hero worship. He realized the pain that he had caused Obi-Wan by rejecting him for another apprentice. This realization filled him with guilt and anger. He was completely disgusted with himself for throwing away Obi-Wan. He practically severed their bond because of his obsession with the Chosen One. His Obi-Wan had suffered through it silently, ever mindful of his Master. He heart clenched as he thought of all that Obi-Wan had endured because of his thoughtless Master.

"My Obi, what have I done to you," Qui-Gon whispered.

Obi-Wan had finally gotten control of himself and was aware that his Master was on the floor cradling him. He was disgusted with himself for acting like a pathetic child in front of his Master. He restored his shields ever tighter than they were before, and looked up into Qui-Gon's eyes.

"Master, perhaps you should get back into bed. You need your rest if you wish to get your strength back.", he said, looking at a point just past Qui-Gon's head, as he pulled himself out of Qui-Gon's arms and stood up.

Qui-Gon looked up at him with an expression that Obi-Wan could not read. Qui-Gon tried to reach Obi-Wan through the bond, but Obi-Wan had closed up so tightly that the bond was practically non-existent. He had to reassure his Padawan. He had to tell him that the emotions he felt were not directed at him, but at Qui-Gon himself. He stood up and faced Obi-Wan, ready to confess to the boy. But when he looked into the vacant dead blue eyes, words would not come. So he stood, frozen, and watched as Obi-Wan took one final look at Qui-Gon and walked out the room. He never turned back.

Two days later Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon stood in front of a crowd of Jedi knights listening as Yoda gave the ritual blessing given at every Knighting ceremony. Qui-Gon walked up to Obi-Wan and looked at the boy's face. Obi-Wan would not meet his eyes. He simply stared past him as Qui-Gon took his braid in his hand. He held the smooth braid and rubbed his fingers along its length, remembering all that it encompassed. He took the blade and held it at the base of the hair. With a swift move of his hand, he cut the braid. Obi-Wan showed no sign of noticing the loss, he face was completely vacant. Qui-Gon tried to sense the boy, but it was as if an expanse of ocean existed between him and Obi-Wan. He had made himself an island, completely cut off from any other mind.

Qui-Gon reached into his mind and grasped the bond that he shared with Obi- Wan. There was very little of the bond left, only a gossamer thread of what once existed. He surrounded the bond with as much love and pride as he could, and slowly separated himself from Obi-Wan. He watched the boy's face the whole time. He features remained impassive, cold. And that was the end of their partnership. Obi-Wan was knighted and free to do as he pleased, without his aged Master.

Obi-Wan stayed in his room after his knighting, only coming out for food and to use the fresher. Qui-Gon watched as Obi-Wan walked around their quarters like a ghost. He only spoke when Qui-Gon would address him, and never looked his former Master in the eyes. It killed him to see him in such misery, but he didn't feel he had any right to express his love after all that he had done to Obi-Wan. It was best that they go there separate ways. Obi-Wan deserved more than a Master that couldn't see what was right in front of his face.

Only on week after his knighting, Obi-Wan requested his first mission and was sent to oversee a diplomatic ceremony on Dantooine. The mission was simple and should have only taken a few days. But Obi-Wan did not return after that mission, or the next. As the days wore on, Qui-Gon focused on the training of his new apprentice and put Obi-Wan out of his mind. Obi-Wan continued to go on mission after mission, never stopping for fear that he would have to think about why he was running and what he was running from.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Thanks once again for the kind reviews!!

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Present

Obi-Wan blinked away the memory of his former Master. He flicked off the view screen and quickly began to pack before he could think about what he was doing. If he continued to work on autopilot, he might be able to get through this. He quickly walked to the landing pad. He ignored everyone he passed and simply strode toward his ship and started the pre-flight procedures. He was soon speeding out of the planet's atmosphere and on a course set to Coruscant. He set the ship on autopilot and went to the back cabin. He hoped to rest and then meditate, to prepare himself for the place he had been avoiding for nearly a year. He had only two days before he would reach the temple. He would be calm and composed when he reached the temple. He would not allow anyone to see the pain he held within him. He would put on his best mask, the mask that showed a cold and precise man, the mask that spoke only of business and order.

He arrived at Coruscant exactly two days later. He sat in the ship for a few minutes after he landed, gathering his shields. He would not let anyone slip past the barriers he had erected around himself. He put up one final mental wall and confidently strode out the ship. He met no one's eyes on the way to the Council chamber. He could feel their surprise as he passed. He was the last person any of them expected to see striding through the halls of the Temple. He kept his gaze stern and tried to look as preoccupied as possible so that he would not be stopped. When he reached the Council doors, he was filled with a sense of dread. The last time he had been here was to report on the condition of his master and to give his report on the Naboo mission. It was one of the few times he had faced the Council without the presence of his Master. But he was a Knight now. He didn't need to cower behind the towering figure of Master Jinn. He prepared himself for the prying eyes of the Council and entered the chambers.

He walked to the center of the room and bowed respectively to the Council members. He kept his gaze focused on the cityscape of Coruscant behind the Council members. The city-planet was quite beautiful at night, with lights twinkling and the metal buildings shining from the glare.

"Come to give your report have you?" Yoda questioned the young Knight. The tiny Master could feel the conflicting emotions within Obi- Wan. He knew that most would have missed the turmoil behind the cold eyes. But he could sense the struggle that was raging behind the carefully constructed walls.

"Yes, Master Yoda, at the request of the Council. I have come to give the briefing on the Khrinarian conflict. It seemed to be more complicated than I first suspected. I underestimated the intelligence that the Hunari tribe had been able to gather over the years. Their military structure was much more developed than anyone believed. It was a careless oversight."

"Question your judgement on this mission we do not. Overestimate the Hunaris, we all did."

"Yes, Master."

Yoda looked at the young Knight thoughtfully. He had lost some weight over the past year. His eyes were haunted and cloudy with dark circles beneath them. His stance was stiff, and his mind was shielded so tightly that even Master Yoda could only feel the barest of disturbances. In this slight appraisal of Obi-Wan, Yoda realized that he had done the right thing. He would not allow the best Knight they had in the order to

self-destruct. He would see to it that the two stubborn idiots got over their differences and stopped this foolishness. They both looked as if they had lost the other half of their souls. Though, Qui-Gon at least had his young apprentice to keep his heart filled with some joy. Obi-Wan had no one. The past year had been rough of him.

"Finished we are. To your room you will go. Rest you will, Obi- Wan."

Obi-Wan looked straight at Yoda for the first time since he entered the chambers. A Council member never addressed a Knight by his first name in the chambers. The little troll was up to something. His eyes held a gleam of determination.

"With all due respect Master Yoda, I have yet to give you my report on the mission."

"Later will you give your report. First rest you must."

"Master, I was hoping to finish this soon so that I may continue to my next mission."

"In a hurry are you? Impatient you always were. Mission you will receive at the Council's request, your decision to make it is not."

"Of course, Master, I apologize."

"Yes…Stay at the temple you will, for now no mission will you be granted. May the Force be with you."

At the dismissal Obi-Wan bowed and walked out of the chambers. He made his way to the east wing of the temple. As he walked he thought about what Yoda had said during the meeting. It seemed that he would not be granted a short stay on Coruscant. He had been hoping that he would be given a mission and be gone before anyone realized he was there. There seemed to be no hope of that now. The little Master was planning something, and Obi-Wan had the nagging sensation that he knew what it was.

He arrived at his quarters in the east wing. They were located in a rarely used corridor of the temple. Only a few other Knights had rooms around his, so it was quiet as he stared at the door of his room. He had never been in his new quarters, since he had left on a mission before they were ready for his use. He assumed that they had programmed his code into the lock. He palmed the door and it opened with a slight beep. He walked across the threshold and looked at the sparsely furnished living area. There was a couch and a table, with a vidscreen off to the side. The kitchen held all the necessities and was stocked with food. It seemed Yoda knew that he would be staying for some time. He went into the bedroom and gasped at the sight. All of his things that he had left in his old room were neatly placed in the same exact position he had left them in his former quarters. The only thing that was out of place was a single stone in the middle of his bed. He walked over and lightly trailed his fingers across the smooth stone. There was only one person that could have done this. He just didn't understand why Qui-Gon would have gone through so much trouble. He could have just had his things sent here in a box. But he could see that everything in the room was placed carefully, almost reverently, in position.

He grasped the stone tightly in his hand and let the Force power in it flow through him. He had forgotten how much this little stone had soothed him throughout the years. He had not forgotten the stone when he left. He had left it behind purposefully. It was not his to take. His Master had given it to his Padawan with pride and love. Obi-Wan was sure that he no longer deserved to carry such a precious object with him. But as he held the stone, he could feel Qui-Gon's aura burn into him. He almost forgot the hatred, the pity, the anger. Almost. But it was not enough, he needed more. He wasn't sure that Qui-Gon would ever give him what he needed.

He began to feel the day's stresses catch up with him. He lay down on his bed with his cloak pulled tightly around him. He kept the stone secured tightly in his hand and allowed himself to drift to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Notes: Thanks for the reviews! Some of you have questioned if this is a prequel to the other story I'm working on, _Before All Else_. I started working on this story long before I even thought of _Before All Else_, so I don't consider it a prequel, but I suppose it could fit that label if you wanted it to. Anyway...on to the next chapter...

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When he woke the sun was slowly creeping past the horizon. He rose and began to clear his mind for the day ahead. He was sure that Master Yoda would waste no time in conjuring up a meeting between himself and Qui-Gon. The most he could do was to prepare himself for the inevitable. So he closed he eyes and let himself drift into a peaceful meditation. He stayed completely still for over an hour, gathering his stray emotions into the wall that surrounded him. When his meditations were complete, he dressed and clipped his lightsabre to his belt. He was about to leave when he noticed that he had a message on his vidscreen. He opened the message and read the short note.

Obi-Wan

Padawan sabre competitions we have today. Thought you might enjoy them since won so many as an apprentice you did. See you at the competition I hope to.

Yoda

"So the scheming begins," Obi-Wan said to himself. He knew that Qui-Gon would undoubtedly be there with his Padawan. Though the boy was still young, his skills most likely allowed him to compete with those above his age group. With a resigned sigh, he headed out the door and towards the training rooms.

He arrived at the training rooms to find a room full of Jedi, young and old. Everyone seemed to be in high spirits, ready to see the combating of skillful youths. He kept himself as closed off as possible when he walked through the room. He could feel the eyes that followed his progress. They were all looking at him as if he had come back from the dead. He spotted Yoda and purposefully strode over him.

"You requested my presence Master Yoda.", he said in a dutiful voice.

"Request your presence I did not. Thought you would enjoy it I did. Your duty to be here it is not."

"Thank you for the invitation Master, but I do not believe I should be here."

"Be here you should, belong at the Temple you do."

"Master Yoda, no one is comfortable with me around. It is probably best if I leave", he said, with only the barest glint of emotion weaved into his voice.

"Their problem it is then, not yours. Sit and enjoy yourself you should"

Obi-Wan frowned slightly at the old Master.

"An order I _will_ make it, if stubborn you remain."

"That will not be necessary Master", he said with a tone of slight annoyance. He sat down beside Yoda and turned his attention to the mat. There were pairs of Padawans sparring here and there. He searched for the one face he had been brought here to see. At the far end of the room Qui-Gon stood with his apprentice, instructing the boy on a particularly complicated defense.

Anakin was progressing nicely. His sabre handling was still a bit awkward, but he had a grace that few his age showed. He would become one of the best if not the best swordsman in the order. The boy had such potential it was nearly overwhelming. Obi-Wan felt a pang of jealousy that he could not have been the one to instill such pride in his Master. But he was torn from his thoughts as the first round of the competition was announced. The two competitors were young, but fought with determination that Obi-Wan could not help but admire. As the competitions wore on, Obi-Wan let his mind wander to his days as a Padawan and the competitions he was in. He had won some of them, but he never really took pride in that. Most of the Padawans he fought were younger than him, and he rarely won by a very high margin anyhow.

Anakin's turn to fight came up, and he approached the mat with confidence. He looked assured even though his opponent was older and much bigger than he was. The match began and the sabre's hummed and sizzled as they fought. Anakin's style was aggressive and graceful. He seemed to flow with the Force as he fought. The match swelled and calmed in waves. It seemed that the combatants were equally skilled. But a quick offensive move that Obi-Wan recognized immediately sent the other fighter's sabre flying out of his hand. Anakin powered down his lightsabre and retrieved the fallen sabre. He handed it back the older Padawan and respectfully bowed to him. It seemed that Qui-Gon had taught him respect as well as sabre techniques.

After three more matches, the competition was complete and Anakin had finished in fourth place in the beginning Padawan competitions. It was an amazing rank for one so young. Obi-Wan made his way across the room toward Qui-Gon and Anakin. He did not see any reason to delay the inevitable and thought it best to get this confrontation over with quickly.

He stopped beside Anakin. Qui-Gon had his back to him and was talking to a Master that Obi-Wan did not recognize.

"You did very well today Anakin. I see that your Master has taught you a lot over the past year."

Anakin looked at him and surprise colored his features. He was barely able to stammer out a thank you when Qui-Gon turned around. He had heard the familiar accent and thought that he was imagining things. But when he looked at the Knight his Padawan was speaking with, his heart stopped. His Obi-Wan was here, right in front of him. He could barely contain the joy he felt at the sight of the young Knight.

"He is progressing very well Master Jinn." Obi-Wan said in a controlled and respectful tone.

Qui-Gon stood and took in the sight of his lost Padawan. He was thin, and his eyes bore dark circles. His face seemed vacant and void of any emotions. His eyes were the worst, though, they were cold and distant. This was not the Obi-Wan he remembered. For the millionth time he berated himself for doing this to such a pure soul. The worst thing was that he couldn't even feel Obi-Wan. It was as if the Knight had hidden himself away in his mind. He doubted even Master Yoda could break through the shields he had created.

"I…didn't know you had returned, Obi-Wan."

"I will not be here long. I simply returned for a briefing about a previous mission."

"Well, it is wonderful to see you."

"And you as well, Master Jinn" said Obi-Wan, though it sounded forced and weak to Qui-Gon's ears. "I just wanted to congratulate your Padawan on his remarkable performance. I really must be going now."

"Why don't you come over to our quarters tonight. Anakin is a wonderful cook, I'll be sure to tell him all your favorites." Qui-Gon was not going to let this opportunity slip through his fingers. He didn't know if he would get the chance to speak with Obi-Wan again, and he was not going to let him leave without telling him the truth.

"I…don't know" Obi-Wan stammered, he was unsure what to do. He hadn't expected Qui-Gon to be so friendly towards him after all the grief he had caused the man.

"Please Obi-Wan", said Anakin, "I promise that I'm as good in the kitchen as I am in the training room."

"Well," Obi-Wan said, "how can I turn down such a spectacular meal." He forced a smile that made his eyes look even colder than before.

"We will see you at dinner then," Qui-Gon said and then the Master and Padawan pair walked out of the training room.

Obi-Wan wandered back to his quarters and tried to think of a way out of dinner. He was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he didn't notice the young Healer barreling toward him at top speed until it was too late. The pair went tumbling to the ground with a loud thud.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi!" said a rather pissed off voice, "How dare you not tell me that you were at the Temple. Did you think that you would be able to sneak in and out without me noticing your presence?"

Bant was in a particularly annoyed mood. But Obi-Wan could see the tenderness that was shining in her eyes as she spoke to him. How he ever inspired such love out of the young Calmarian, he would never know.

"I was just about to go visit you in the healer's ward actually," Obi- Wan replied, striking a smile that would charm the coldest of hearts. He got up and helped his skeptical friend to her feet.

"Uh-huh…Pigs will fly through a snow storm in hell when you voluntarily visit the healer's ward." She watched Obi-Wan closely with a healer's eye. He seemed too thin and he looked exhausted. She knew that he had been wounded in previous missions over the past year, some of them serious injuries. She had requested to see his reports every so often to keep up on the absent Knight. She would bet her life that he healed most of his wounds himself. He was too stubborn to ask for help.

"Well, since I did finally get a hold of you, I think its time we caught up. You've been gone entirely too long Kenobi," she said this with a look in her eyes that said she knew the reason why he never visited the Temple. "Why don't you come with me to Lilah's tonight? They thought you disappeared on them. You know you had a very strong following. I even heard something about a fan group a while back."

Lilah's was a bar near the temple that a lot of Padawans frequented. They would have bands and serve drinks. Obi-Wan was a frequent customer of the place before he left. One night when he was eighteen some friends of his convinced him to go on stage and sing with the band. He was more than a little drunk and allowed himself to be brought on stage. When he finished his song the place was vibrating with applause. He was an overnight success. Every time he went there after that night there was someone that wanted to hear him sing. The band even asked him to be their lead, but, of course, he had to decline. He knew that he had fans, but he doubted that his fame extended to the level that Bant was talking about.

"I would love to Bant, but Master Jinn has invited me to have dinner with him and his Padawan," he said, not looking his friend in the eyes for fear she would see the distress in his eyes.

Bant looked at her friend closely and spoke slowly and softly to him.

"Don't think I don't know what you're hiding Obi-Wan Kenobi. I've known you too long, and even though you're shielded so tight I can barely sense you, I know you're hurting. When you're finished dinner with Master Jinn, you ARE going to come to Lilah's. We're gonna get a small table in the back and you are going to tell me what has caused you to develop this cold-hearted glare you seem to be so fond of. This is not negotiable Obi." The last part she said with such compassion that her voice was choked with emotion. She was not going to let her friend self-destruct without trying to help him.

Obi-Wan did not say a word. He simply stood there and stared past Bant, and gave a single short nod then walked away. Bant stayed and listened to the thud of his boots as he disappeared down the hallway.

When Obi-Wan reached his quarters, he leaned heavily against the wall and breathed deeply. He knew that she cared, and he would most likely need someone to talk to after his dinner with Qui-Gon. But he had never released his burdens to anyone. If he wanted another mission, though, he would have to prove to Yoda that he was over Qui-Gon. So he would quietly endure dinner with Qui-Gon and his Padawan, and then he would go to Lilah's to speak with Bant. He would tell her everything she wanted to hear, and soothe her mind. He knew that she would tell Yoda about their conversation. Bant was not beneath scheming if she thought it would help her friend. Then, hopefully, Yoda would be satisfied and grant him the mission he so desperately wanted.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: Due to some wonderful begging in Llamachick's review, I'm posting the last chapter to this story an embarassingly long time after the last post. I'm a terrible writer that gets horrible blocks and thinks everything is crappy and therefore is too embrassed to post it. I've had this last chapter completed for a while, but was never satisfied, but hopefully it turned out alright. (runs and hides in shame)

* * *

He arrived at Qui-Gon's quarters just a little late and tried to calm his racing heart. He hadn't entered this room since he left a year ago. He was afraid the memories would come rushing back to him when he saw it. He steeled himself and buzzed the door. The door swung open and a very exuberant Padawan was standing in front of him. Anakin was wearing an apron and a huge grin was plastered on his face. The boy thought of Obi-Wan as a big brother. He held a type of hero worship for the renegade Knight. The idea of finally getting to sit down and speak with his Master's ex-Padawan was almost too much for him to bear.

"Obi-Wan!" he exclaimed. "Come in. Master Qui-Gon is in the kitchen."

"Don't tell me you let him cook," Obi-Wan said, trying to be as friendly as possible with the young boy. He would not let his relationship with Qui-Gon taint his feelings about Anakin.

"Of course not! He could ruin toast. He was so anxious he kept looking over my shoulder and getting in my way when I was cooking. I had to give him something to do, so he's mixing the salad. I figured he'd be hard pressed to ruin that."

Obi-Wan smiled and followed Anakin into the living room. He looked around and took in the small differences in the area. The couches and the chairs were all the same as he remembered. It was just little things that had changed. The pictures on the table were not of himself, but of Qui-Gon and Anakin. There were a few of Anakin holding up an award and his Master beaming into the camera with pride. Obi-Wan thought Qui-Gon had never looked happier.

"Well, I was beginning to think you had stood us up," Qui-Gon said as he walked into the living room.

"I'm sorry, Master Jinn, I was running a bit late." Qui-Gon frowned, that was the third time Obi-Wan had referred to him so formally. He wanted to tell him that they were past formalities, but he wasn't so certain that was completely true.

"Yes, well, why don't we sit down at the table. I believe that dinner is just about ready." Qui-Gon guided Obi-Wan to the table and sat across from him. They sat there in a silence that nearly deafened Obi-Wan. He knew that he should be making small talk, at least pretending that this whole escapade wasn't killing him. But before he could gather words, Anakin walked in with three plates balanced in his hands.

"Master Qui-Gon told me all your favorites Obi-Wan. I hope I made it the way you like."

"It looks wonderful, Anakin. Thank you."

"Well then, sit down Padawan and let us see just how amazing this meal is."

They ate in a satisfied silence for a while, each enjoying the meal that Anakin had prepared. Anakin, who had already finished his meal and was serving himself a second helping, was the first to break the silence. It seemed to drive the boy crazy any time the room was quiet for more than a few minutes.

"Master Qui-Gon told me that you mastered the fifth form during your second year as his Padawan. I wish I could learn it that quickly. I always seem to stumble on the last maneuver."

"Your Master is being far too generous, my skill in the fifth form was clumsy to say the least during my second year. I watched you fight today. I'm sure that you will learn it with much more grace then I ever had at that age."

Anakin beamed at the praise and began on his second helping with a renewed vigor.

"Obi-Wan is being much too modest", Qui-Gon said, "he has always had a natural grace when it comes to fighting, even when he was young."

Obi-Wan simply smiled at the compliment and continued to eat his meal. He couldn't understand why Qui-Gon was doing this. Had Bant recruited him in her and Yoda's "reconstructing Obi" project too? He would kill Bant if she had forced Qui-Gon into this. He had spent the past year far away from Qui-Gon, so as not to be a burden, he didn't want to start now.

"Master," Anakin said, swallowing his last bit of food hastily, "is it okay if I go out tonight. A couple of the other Padawans had plans and they invited me."

Qui-Gon looked contemplative for a few moments, simply liking to see his young apprentice squirm. Patience was not one of Anakin's best virtues.

"Of course, Padawan. Just don't stay out too late."

Anakin jumped up the second he heard his Master's answer and was sprinting into his room. The boy had too much energy as far as Qui-Gon was concerned. He dreaded the years to come. He was getting too old for this. Anakin bound out of his room with his cloak slung around his arm.

"Thank you, Master," he said as he grabbed a roll off the table and headed out the door. The door swung shut and Qui-Gon let out an exasperated chuckle.

"Sometimes I wonder at my sanity. I'm far too old for all that energy he packs."

Obi-Wan smiled at the remark but said nothing. Qui-Gon stood up and motioned for them to go to the living room. He sat in a low brown chair that was worn from excessive use. Obi-Wan chose to sit on the couch and sat with his hands clasped tightly in his lap. The silence grew between them and Obi-Wan could feel the tension in the air. Without Anakin there to keep up his mindless chatter, the two were caught up in uncomfortable silence. Obi-Wan was just about to rise and make up an excuse to leave when Qui-Gon spoke.

"I have to admit Obi-Wan, I do have an ulterior motive for inviting you here tonight."

Obi-Wan cringed. He had guessed right. Qui-Gon had been coerced into this dinner and he was about to get the brunt of the Master's annoyance. He mentally prepared himself for the rage that he expected to hear from the man. He was sure that Qui-Gon's earlier compliments were only made so that his Padawan didn't have to see how pathetic Obi-Wan really was. He didn't want to ruin the boy's hero worship by letting him know that Obi-Wan needed Master Yoda's help to remain stable.

"Obi-Wan…the truth is…I brought you here so that I could…apologize."

Obi-Wan's head snapped up. He couldn't have heard that right. What did Qui-Gon possibly think he had to apologize for?

"I was cruel to you, I shouldn't have cast you aside like I did. I should have seen what I was doing to you. But I was so focused on training Anakin that I didn't see the pain you were in. I was a fool. I should have seen that you were hurting, that you needed me. I have always tried to be there for you Obi-Wan. But sometimes I would loose focus and you would suffer for my faults. I just hope that you can forgive me so that we will no longer have this distance between us."

Obi-Wan sat, stunned. He couldn't believe what Qui-Gon was saying. He should be happy, right? This was what he had always wanted. Then why couldn't he feel joy at hearing the words he had been waiting for? He looked up and stared into Qui-Gon's eyes and saw only sincerity and hope shining out of them. But it still wasn't enough. Qui-Gon wanted to get rid of the distance between them. Wasn't that what Obi-Wan had asked for a year ago? Qui-Gon had responded with emotions of pity and anger. And now that same man wanted Obi-Wan to forgive and forget. Obi-Wan was suddenly very angry at the thought of it. All he had been through for this man, and he thought he could fix it with a simple apology.

"How dare you?" Obi-Wan whispered with barely controlled rage.

"…what?" Qui-Gon said, bewilderment written all over his features.

"How dare you do this to me after all I've been through. I came to you after you had rejected me and pushed me aside. And I tried to bridge the gap between us. I dropped my shields and I let you see all the pain that I had been through and…the love I had for you. It nearly destroyed me when all I could feel from you was pity and disgust…"

Qui-Gon tried to interrupt, but Obi-Wan had opened the floodgates, and he wasn't going to let anyone stop him.

"I died that day. I always knew that I was a failure to you, but in the back of my mind I still had hope that you had feelings for me, that you loved me. But I was obviously wrong. I don't understand how you could stand living with me after that. I knew all the pain that I had caused you, the failure I was, and yet you still let me stay under your roof. You must have pitied me so much to allow me to remain here. I couldn't stand the thought of being such a burden, so I left." Obi-Wan stopped and looked down and his clenched hands. He had to remember to breathe. The emotions were flowing out of him and he was afraid that if he stopped for too long he wouldn't ever be able to finish.

"I went away from the temple and I stayed away. I went from mission to mission, but I never came to the temple in between. I would stay at whatever place I was at and go native. I'm not proud of what I did or who I was at those times, but it was the only thing that kept my mind off the pain. I…I sometimes thought that I wasn't worthy to serve the Jedi any more. I had done too much that I should be ashamed of. But I would always remember you're lessons, and you'd remind me why I was going on and what I was fighting for. I am a Jedi first and foremost. And sometimes I hated you for that, for not letting me simply fall into all those other faces I created…But I never, ever stopped loving you…and that's what kept me away from here."

Obi-Wan said his final words in a choked whisper. He was not going to let Qui-Gon see him cry. He was going to stay strong and sure of himself. It was the only way he could make it through this.

Qui-Gon walked over to where Obi-Wan was on the couch and sat beside him. He reached over and lifted the young Knight's chin so that his eyes met Qui-Gon's. He looked into the blue depths and his heart clenched at what he saw. The eyes were dry and cold, restrained. Is this what he had taught his Padawan? Had his student learned this emotional control from him? The boy was practically shaking from the control he was forcing on himself.

"Obi-Wan," he said slowly, "I do want you to know that it hurts me more than anything to know that I could have caused you such pain. If I could I would gladly take your suffering on myself. But I do need you to listen to me, and listen closely…you were never a failure to me. When I told the Council that you were ready for the trials it was because I had the utmost confidence in you. I know you feel that I rejected you, and for that I am truly sorry. And if you are unable to forgive me, I would understand. I am not trying to excuse my actions, I am simply trying to help you understand. When you came to me before your knighting and asked me to seal the distance between us I was elated. I did not realize that you had lowered your shields until the last barrier dropped. When I felt the immense pain pouring out from you and realized that it was all my doing, I was appalled with myself…you see Obi-Wan…the feelings you felt from me were not directed at you, they were directed at me. I was disgusted and angry with myself for allowing you to be in so much suffering. You are a gift Obi-Wan. I just didn't see it until that moment. I was a blind old fool…and I let you leave. Because I was afraid that if you stayed I would only cause you more pain. So…I guess what I am trying to say is that…I love you, my Obi."

Obi-Wan stared at Qui-Gon as if he were sprouting wings. He could not believe what he had just said. He knew Qui-Gon was telling the truth. He could feel Qui-Gon's joy flowing through the Force. It was almost too much for him to bear. He couldn't breathe. He had to get out of there and think about this. This was not what he expected and he wasn't sure he could handle this sudden change. He got up quickly and ran out the door before Qui-Gon could stop him. He needed to think about this. He needed to be somewhere, anywhere, else. He remembered Bant's earlier invitation and headed out of the Temple to Lilah's.

* * *

Qui-Gon sat on the couch, completely still. Obi-Wan had left so suddenly that he barely had time to register the fact that he had stood up before the Knight was out the door. He had let Obi-Wan go a year ago, but it wasn't going to happen again. He was going to find him and make this right. He headed out the door and walked down the hall trying to sense where Obi-Wan had gone. The Knight was shielded so tightly, though, that it was impossible to tell where he had gone. He decided to check Obi-Wan's quarters, though he doubted the young man would go there right now, it was the only place he could think of. On his way to the east wing, he saw Bant walking down the corridor towards him. Obi-Wan and the young healer were friends, and though he was sure that the young man did not keep in touch with anyone, she might have an idea as to where he would go.

"Bant," he called as she approached him.

"Yes, Master Jinn."

"I was wondering if you knew where Obi-Wan was. I need to speak with him."

"Actually," Bant said with a slight smile at the great Master's frantic appearance, "he and I were suppose to meet at Lilah's tonight, perhaps he went there. Why don't you come with me, I was just heading that way."

When they entered Lilah's Bant asked the owner if he had seen Obi- Wan come in. The man pointed to a dark corner where a lone figure could be seen among the shadows. Qui-Gon immediately headed towards the table and Bant went off to another table, her task completed.

Qui-Gon reached the table and looked down at Obi-Wan. The young Knight had already finished a drink and was nursing his second.

"They say that spice beer can go to your head," Qui-Gon said softly to get the young man's attention.

Obi-Wan looked up and stared at Qui-Gon passively. He seemed more relaxed than he was earlier. But weather that was merely from having time to cool off or the spice beer, Qui-Gon could not tell. Obi-Wan seemed to be thinking something over as he looked into Qui-Gon's eyes. When he reached whatever decision it was, he downed the rest of his drink and stood up. To Qui-Gon's surprise he walked past him and went right onto the stage in front of the room. He whispered something into the guitarist's ear and the man smiled and told the rest of his band. When Obi-Wan faced the crowd the applause was thunderous. Qui-Gon sat down and took in the sight. It seemed that these people recognized Obi-Wan. Some were even shouting out requests. But Obi-Wan already had a song in mind. The first chords of music began and Obi-Wan looked directly at

Qui-Gon and began to sing. The song was filled with love, hope, loneliness and pain. It was the most beautiful thing Qui-Gon had ever heard

When the song ended, Qui-Gon let out the breath he had been holding. He never knew that Obi-Wan had such a powerful singing voice. He practically glowed on the stage. He put all his heart into the song and he poured every emotion he had into the lyrics. The words forced Qui-Gon to realize exactly what his Padawan had been through. The crowd was standing and screaming at the top of their lungs. But Qui-Gon didn't hear them. His senses were completely tuned to the young man standing on the stage.

Obi-Wan jumped off the stage and headed right towards Qui-Gon. He stood in front of him and looked straight into his eyes.

"I forgive you," he said. His voice never wavered and his eyes never left Qui-Gon's. They stared at each other for what seemed like forever, neither willing to break the trance they were in. But when the trance was broken, it was Obi-Wan who leaned forward and brushed his lips against Qui- Gon's. He wound his arms around the older man and held on as tightly as he could. He would never let go.


End file.
